Frequently Asked Questions
Just how evil are you?
That is a profound question, and one that cannot be answered simply. To ask such a question would be like asking how fragrant a rose is, or the depth of an ocean. One’s convictions about the duality of evil, as well as good, are something not to be deemed as incontrovertible axioms. While one may see me as a villain, another sees me as a liberator. The proclivity to favor one over the other must be allocated internally; in other words, it is for you alone to decide. How evil am I? I cannot answer that question. Only you can.
Exactly what is teeVillain?
teeVillain is the most nefarious limited edition t-shirt site on the web. Named after yours truly, we feature a new design every 24 hours; most of which reflect my own twisted appetite for art and popular culture. Although I tend to fancy the macabre, we also feature designs more akin to TV and Movies, Music, Video Games, Comics, Local Legends, and unbridled Artistry. Each day we showcase a new design, to prevent our customers from building up a tolerance against their hypnotic effects; a single cog in the gears of my ultimate machination.
You say your featured designs are only available for 24 hours? Why is that?
If we offered the designs perpetually, they wouldn’t exactly be “limited edition” now, would they? By printing only one run, I can allow them to be more affordable, a feature that will ensure repeat customers and bolster my army of loyal and compliant devotees! Besides, the artists may have their own vile agenda. Be sure to check The Ossuary for expired designs which have served their purpose for us. If you see something you simply cannot function without, the artist can most likely be contacted via telegraph, morse code, or some other form of encrypted transmission.
So when do you offer a new design?
At midnight (Eastern Standard Time), when the darkness swallows the previous day, a new design will emerge, bathed in the ominous glow of the moon. With it, a new timer will begin counting down, destroying all traces of the design once it reaches zero.
What kind of shirts do you use?
Since you will ultimately be the embodiment of my personal battalion of minions, keeping your torso well protected is of the utmost precedence. This is why we only use the finest materials available. All of our designs are printed on breathable, pre-shrunk, 100% ringspun cotton, regular fit tees. “Comfort in Captivity” is our motto here at teeVillain.
What’s the best way to care for my shirt?
Well, I wouldn’t recommend boiling them in a huge iron cauldron and drying them using the highest setting on your Radarange, and I speak from experience. Although our shirts are pre-shrunk, they will contract ever so slightly when washed and dried. Make sure to wash them in cold water with like colors, and hang them to dry. While I prefer a good hanging now and again, if you must use your clothes drying machine, tumble low is recommended.
*Be sure to check out our comparison chart between an unwashed shirt, and one that has been run through our Laundry Room of Doom™.
How do you print your shirts?
Equal parts of voodoo and black magic are infused into every shirt we print. To further expedite the process, we have “acquired” a state-of-the-art automatic screen-printing machine so colossal it makes the Tesla Coil look like a kiddie ride at Purgatory Park! All of our prints are done in-house by my talented team of modified disciples. Unparalleled quality and the highest standards are paramount here at teeVillain. After all, we want you looking sharp when we take the world.
When will my shirt arrive?
Since we upgraded our shipping process, formerly being dropped via Zeppelin, to UPS Mail Innovations, our turnaround time has decreased radically. It also helps to keep the cost down for the customer, as well as for us. I mean, have you checked the price of Hydrogen these days? It’s criminal! Delivery from the time you place your order could take up to a fortnight, depending on your location. Of course, International orders will take longer, as some countries are already becoming suspicious of my sinister plans.
Where do you ship to?
The world is a large place. When one has designs of global domination, the exclusion of anywhere in the world would be foolish, if not counter-productive. Our thoughts are that we will ship to any place that receives mail. If for some reason your country is not on our shipping list, let us know. We have our ways of finding you.
Will you combine shipping on multiple orders?
We simply cannot combine shipping on orders from multiple days.
What happens if my order gets returned?
If your order happens to find its way back to teeVillain, we’ll notify you via electronic mail. If it was returned due to an error on your part, we will gladly re-ship your order. However, you will be responsible for any additional shipping costs, and may be subject to an indeterminate number of lashings, depending on the severity of the error.
*Be sure to check out our handy chart to find the applicable error to lashings ratio.
Is my credit card info secure?
Unequivocally. We use PayPal, a near invulnerable standard in online payment processing. None of your card information is stored on our servers, and none of our servants are stored in the basement.
Do you accept PayPal?
Indeed, we do. In addition to accepting standard PayPal payments, we use PayPal for all credit card transactions.
I realize there are certain factions currently active with aspirations similar to my own; their ever watchful eyes fixed on the teeVillain. To rent, sell, or share any of your information to these charlatans, or anyone else, would be an exercise in self-nullification. We want you all to ourselves.
Do you have a Return Policy?
Returns must be made within 30 days from the purchase date. They must be unworn, unwashed, and undamaged. We don’t want you wearing it to an “all you can eat” wings buffet and then trying to send it back to us. Please include your order number with your return, and be advised that refunds will not include any shipping costs.
There are NO RETURNS for Mystery Liberation Shirts, Period Panties, Sticker Packs, Lagniappe Packs, or any other item that is not a daily tee feature.
Can I exchange a shirt for a different size?
While we can’t guarantee we will have your size, we will do our best to accommodate you. Often times we do print a few extra shirts in various sizes, in order to placate such requests. Contact us within 30 days from the sale date and we’ll sift through our spoilage to find the right size for you. Please note that we are susceptible to bribery, and doing so may expedite the exchange process.
*Be sure to check out our bribery and incentives chart to find out what items work best for the applicable request.
What if my shirt is damaged or I received the wrong item?
When one’s mind is preoccupied with, say, the rumination of World Dominance for instance, mistakes can be made. If we happened to make an error, or if your item is flawed in any way, please notify us immediately via electronic mail. Be sure to include your order number and a photograph of the damaged item(s). My lackeys will do everything in their finite powers to rectify your order. If, for some reason, we are unable to replace your item, a refund will be issued along with a free two-week enrollment in our acclaimed *Poison of the Month club. Click here to contact us.
*Not available in all areas. Some restrictions apply.
Can I make changes to my order after I submit it?
Once your order is placed, it is bottled and sent, through the use of steam power, on a downward spiraling trajectory to our production department, deep within the belly of our Facility. If you need to make changes to your order, again, please notify us immediately. We can most likely get someone’s attention down there, usually by throwing something heavy in their general direction, to implement such changes. Please be aware that we cannot guarantee the fulfillment of these changes or cancellations once your order has been processed, but we do pretty well.
Where do you get all those wonderful designs?
We enlist the talents of artists from around the globe, most of whom have a strong penchant for villainy. Miscreants, misfits, and monsters. Scamps, scoundrels, and swindlers. Rogues, rapscallions, ruffians, and rascals. These are my people; the driving forces, without whom I would not be the criminal Mastermind I am today. Want to join our “Legion of Legendre”? Send us your artwork here: SUBMIT
What kind of loot will I get if I help you plunder the obsessed t-shirt loving masses with one of my designs?
For starters, you will be spared when my plans of World Domination inevitably come to fruition. In addition, we pay all our cohorts a royalty per items sold on our website for the duration of the sale. This rate is as follows:
Shirts – $1.00
Posters – $2.00
Stickers – $0.10
Jumbo Stickers – $0.50
The artist will be paid via PayPal usually within a week after the sale ends.
As a bonus for becoming an official “Master Mind”, the artist will also receive (2) free shirts for their own personal use. The shipping costs will be covered by teeVillain. Boom!
Where are you Baddies located?
We have safe-houses and hideouts scattered across the globe, where my loyal devotees wait patiently; ready to snatch up the world at a moment’s notice. Our headquarters, which I may have foolishly let slip before, is located just outside of New Orleans, Louisiana. It is tucked away deep in the swamplands, assiduously robed in darkness and guarded by genetically altered alligators and blood-thirsty mosquitoes the size of black birds. Its precise location is known only to myself and a handful of my most trusted disciples, as we are the target of a nationwide manhunt headed by several Government Agencies and Columbia House Record Club.
All postal correspondence can be sent to our facade, where our teams of mutant rat-bunnies retrieve our mail on a daily basis.